‘Kids look for care, and grandparents are often the lighthouse to the child,’ Prof Andolfi says. Photo: Freepik
For the last 55 years, family therapist Prof Dr Maurizio Andolfi has devoted himself to empowering families and bringing them back to the centre of society.
A child psychiatrist who pivoted to family therapy, he says the family unit is the crux of the community, where values, spirituality and the communal spirit should thrive.
And yet over the last few decades, he has witnessed how families have changed structurally. With extended families dismantled – children’s grandparents often live far from them – and the dissolution of marriages for various reasons, children feel the brunt of this disunited community.
He says through his work in multigenerational family therapy, he has seen across the world how adolescents have changed: They are more withdrawn, they display suicide ideation and hurt themselves.
“There is a lot of discomfort in their lives and there is also increased violence and bullying in schools, not just physically, but emotionally. Children have also grown up too fast, given the contents they see online. Kids used to do active stuff; now they are just ‘frozen’ for hours, sitting with their devices, either playing games or surfing the Internet,” Prof Andolfi, 83, says.
Prof Andolfi, who lives in Perth, Australia and who was in town recently for a series of workshops with local family therapists, says changes in family structure happen because marriages have also changed.
“In some parts of the world, 50% of marriages end in divorce and this complicates kids’ life. Beyond the physical demands of commuting, they may be asked to take sides, be at the centre of disagreements or process the separation, all of which are mentally demanding,” he says.
Prof Andolfi says over the last decades, families have changed structurally. Photo: KAMARUL ARIFFIN/The Star
The importance of listening
But while we can’t control external factors, Prof Andolfi says parents have ways to make things better for their children and this begins with listening.
“Many adults don’t listen to their kids; they just voice out their opinions. Some adults think adolescents’ opinions aren’t valid,” he says.
Adolescents, he adds, speak with “an ambivalent voice”. They are, after all, at the stage where they solidify their identities.
“Teenagers speak with their body, so observe their actions, their sadness and their emotions. If parents listen to their children’s voice, there’s already a high chance that they will open up because the kids feel respected,” he adds.
“This feeling of being respected will open doors for dialogues and the family can then discuss many issues,” he says.
“Parents also need to collaborate with one another because this will be reassuring to the child. If a decision is always taken by the mother, for example, the child realises the family doesn’t work as a cohesive unit and that is deeply destabilising.”
But why are some parents reluctant to listen to their teenage child?
“Because they are scared,” Prof Andolfi says. “Kids speak the truth more than adults and parents feel uneasy. Because if they listen, they need to face the fact that they are wrong and they may need to do things differently.”
But it is this openness, Prof Andolfi says, that will give the family unit resilience and connection, which will help its members – parents and children – navigate life’s challenges effectively.
“A critical mind is good for young adults, but this also means that teenagers don’t believe everything from adults as the truth,” he adds.
Sports coaches can be father figures in guiding children and adolescents. Photo: Freepik
Who do kids talk to?
In the 1970s, Prof Andolfi lived in New York where he worked extensively in South Bronx, and later in South Philadelphia with disadvantaged families.
He studied under Argentinian family therapist Salvador Minuchin, psychotherapist Jay Haley and American psychotherapy pioneer Dr Carl Whitaker.
He says throughout his years of studying and working, he is convinced that it takes a whole family to work together to manage what is perceived as a child’s issue.
“We cannot solve an issue in isolation without the support of his or her family,” he adds.
Adolescents, he says, almost always talk to their peers, not their parents.
“Peers are like a lab that kids go to and experiment but parents often have this fear of their kids having ‘bad friends’.”
“But kids are not bad, they’re just kids. It will really be helpful if parents build an alliance with their children’s peer group instead of building a wall,” he says.
Prof Andolfi adds that grandparents play an extremely important role in nurturing kids, especially when parents are busy.
“Kids look for care, and grandparents are often the lighthouse to the child. If you ask a young adult about their childhood memories, many would mention their grandparents and the different kind of care and attention that these elders give that nurture kids emotionally,” he adds.
Father figures are also important in the life of adolescents.
“This may be biological fathers or stepfathers, but they also include teachers and sports coaches,” he says.
Kids are always looking for resources, and when they don’t find it at home, they look outside through the activities they do, he says.
Letting kids grow
Prof Andolfi says what is also a barrier in communication between parents and their adolescents is the former denying their adolescent experiences and sharing only a “filtered version” of their life to their kids.
“None of us are born adults. We all did things when we were young that we were not proud of, and if parents are able to open up about their mistakes, children can connect better and they understand that doing something wrong in adolescence is normal and is part of figuring out who they are,” he says. “It’s important for parents to be benevolent to them.”
Prof Andolfi says through his observation, Asian parents push their kids too much when it comes to academic achievement.
“Because the expectation is high, children feel like a failure when they don’t succeed. But the kids didn’t fail, they just failed to meet their parents’ expectations,” he says.
“Parents should stop programming the future of their kids because that programme can always be revised,” he adds. “A child needs to be able to choose what he or she wants to do in life.
“Children and adolescents need guidance, not orders. There’s a difference there and it’s important for parents to understand that,” he concludes.
